Which leads me to the second reason why it bugs the hell out of me. If you start with a premise of debating differences you immediately deadlock all conversations because you’re in a defensive position debating and defending your position. If, on the other hand, you started the conversation without these assumptions and focused, to start, on where you agree and then branch out to explore and understand differences and the reasons you can have a much more sane conversation. Otherwise the debate send everyone’s blood pressure through the roof and have people walk away from every conversation thinking ‘well they’re just a fucking idiot’… not productive.. not helpful..

I’ve seen SO MANY examples of this around me over the years. You see it in politics. In the President’s speech the other night you saw half of the audience cheering and the other half sitting on their hands pouting. Same premise on both sides – i’m right and they’re wrong. Get over it. Stupid – all you people have a big problem you need to solve and if you can’t work together – ALL OF YOU – then we’re screwed.

I see this in my day to day life. My solution to the problem is the right one and yours is fundamentally flawed. The truth is neither is true. Both are options with merit and if you start with where they work and go from there you’ll ALL come up with a solution that is better for the effort. I even see this in debates in forums like twitter.

The result is the same in all situations – deadlock.

Now mind you I’m not saying that we all don’t have incredibly firm convictions on certain topics. There are people who think that abortion is wrong in all cases. There are people who believe that gay marriage is a fundamental human right. There are people who believe that Objective-C is the appropriate language for all development problems. Whatever. The point is if you start with those absolutes first the conversation is SO MUCH HARDER and, quite frankly, the debates are T.E.D.I.O.U.S…. Put those absolutes aside and start with the gray so you can actually make some progress…

Sorry for the rant and the random stream of consciousness post. I’ve just been thinking a lot about what has me tied in knots lately and it boiles down to that – I’ve allowed myself to get drawn into, worked up by, and emotionally invested in following these types of debates. Sure they can be entertaining on occasion – but if you get invested in them they wear you down and you don’t actually solve anything…

Deep breath…

now back to your regularly scheduled program

Reader’s digest is work work, Christmas, work work, Baby Shower, work work, hanging out, work work… We had a baby shower at our house for our friends Drew and Adrian who are having a baby just after the new year. We had a house full of people and amazing food thanks to kevin… Was a lot of fun. Since then work has been super busy with things that I can’t talk about as usual..

This past weekend was pretty good. Had dinner with Alex at a restaurant called Sauce in Hayes valley that was super good. Kind of funky variations on old classics… Meat loaf. Tater Tots. That kind of thing.. Was really good. The rest of the weekend we spent working and christmas shopping. Boring I know but such is my life lately – and i’m OK with that

We did manage to see Milk this weekend. If you haven’t seen it you NEED to see it. I expected to be touched by it because i’d heard good things and because we’re surrounded by signs of that part of history living here in the Castro – but I had NO IDEA how moving it would be. They do an amazing job of combining new footage and historical footage to put together an amazing story. I came out completely exhausted and looking for more information (which is always my sign of a good movie).

Anyway.. thats it for now… more later

Well lets clear this up. Its not about any of that. Its about the ever increasing number of basic rights our society ties to Civil Marriage. Wikipedia does an excellent job of listing these out out:

Rights and responsibilities of marriages in the United States

These are just the federal laws that treat married couples differently than unmarried couples. And this doesn’t even include state, local, and corporate rights and responsibilities. And, to be even more clear, these aren’t rights defined by the ‘liberal’ wikipedia – these are directly from a report produced by the General Council of the Government Accountability Office. These are basic allowances and responsibilities granted and expected of married couples.

And if you don’t want to wade through these here is a simple one. Kevin receives medical insurance through my domestic partner benefits at Apple (THANK YOU Apple). Those benefits for us are taxable income because to the government we are not married (We’re still not sure the effect of 8 on our CA marriage but either way the Feds still don’t recognize us thanks to DOMA). THese benefits are NOT taxable for my straight co-workers. So I’m being fined for being gay by our government – plain and simple. The State and Federal government is taxing me based on religious justification.

Sure, some of these i can reproduce through significant time and expense in a wide variety of legal documents, powers of attorney, conversations with family, and other means. But not all of them – yet EVERY ONE is legally granted and binding by any straight couple that gets drunk and goes to the chapel of love in vegas to get hitched. And, for my simple example – there is nothing I can do about that. Without marriage I will continue to be fined.

The other side can claim all the religious justification they want but until someone unties basic rights from religion I’m gonna keep demanding the right to protect my family. They tied religious marriage to personal rights and federal law – not me and no matter how you spin it separate is NEVER equal. Domestic Partnerships DOES NOT EQUAL Marriage in the eyes of the law. If something happens to me Kevin deserves all of the protections under the law as any other survivor does. Any arguments to the contrary are missing the point and if people don’t know that they need to.

So yea.. Still pissed…

(I promise more positive posts soon – I swear! )

Then that night we made it back to the city to walk the dog and just in time for the HUGE protest / march / rally against the passage of Prop 8. Seems there are one or two of us that are a little upset about that (more like 15,000 of us – at least thats about the number that came out en masse to take over the city). It was actually really great seeing everyone come out and make a stink. The march went from civic center, through the castro, and then over to dolores park. It turned out the march lasted all night with people camped out in the Castro until the morning (we pooped out WELLLLL before that).

The rest of the weekend was more mellow. Saturday was rainy and I just got a haircut and a Massage and then we went to dinner at the beach chalet. Yesterday was a little busier.. Dog walk at Chrissy field, brunch with Alex, Scott, and Adam, and then a photo walk with Randy and Rick. But still nice and mellow after the way things started off..

Anyway.. Told you it was boring. But after the roller coaster of last week I’m REALLY READY for a boring week.

later tater!

One of my longest and dearest friends in San Francisco Bill lost his sister Lori this Tuesday. My heart goes out to her husband Rick, her son and brand new baby as well as Bill, Matt and the rest of her family and friends. Everyone who knew her will see to it that her two kids know what a ray of sunshine she is in all of our lives!

So what do you do about that? Do you stop speaking to them? do you yell and scream and threaten them? Many believe that there is no changing these people and its not worth your breath even trying. The problem with that is the alternative is carrying that with me each day and with every interaction – because even if you stop talking to ‘friends’ who may have done this you will still come across them throughout your life. And if there is anything i’ve learned over my life is bottled up emotions come out at some point and often in very counter productive ways (believe me – i’m good at this part).

I do know a few things though. I know that my relationship with and love for Kevin is every bit as valuable and worthy of respect and protection as any other couple. We have been together over 9 years and have experienced all the joys and sorrows that other couples have and then some. We have experienced christmases, birthdays, quiet nights infront of a fire, world travels, career troubles, arguments, death, and even cancer. And we have supported each other through every step of it and that will continue for a lifetime to come.

I also know that the same religion and God that was used as a weapon to belittle and discriminate against me is also the one that will help see me through this. I know people see a contradiction here but I don’t. My grandma told me throughout my childhood and to this day that we are all created as the loving reflection of God and if you remember that and turn to Him for help in trying times that He will help you come together with others and heal. I also constantly remember the Golden Rule. So even if others don’t remember this I do and it helps me.

Finally I know that, like so many other times in history, we will move beyond this. We are better than this and as people we learn and grow. Some times it takes years, decades, centuries but we do. Other communities have seen it. Jewish people have moved from a time of demonification, ridicule, and genocide to a day where we live in a society that relishes religious diversity. Women have moved from servitude and marginalization to a day where they are able to rise to their full potential whether that be CEO, College Professor, Mother, or Presidential Candidate. And African Americans have moved from slavery, bigotry, and segregation to a day where a black man can become President. And, if we take a deep breath and a step back we realize that the GLTB community has come a long way as well – I can walk down the street hand in hand with the person I love without fear of voilence, work in a place where they not only tolerate but celebrate who I am, and have family who fully supports me.

This isn’t to say all of these groups don’t have a LONG way to go still. There is still anti semitism, sexism, and racism that is like a cancer on this country. Many people experience all of the same challenges of decades and centuries gone by because of their religion, gender, or the color of their skin. And, as we learn this morning, there is homophobia among some of our longest friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances. They can spin it in whatever ‘loving’ or ‘protective’ yarn that they choose but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then… well.. you know…

So right now I’m angry.. and I’m hurt… and I’m going to have a hard time interacting with and respecting people who think I’m less of a human being and deserve less right and freedoms than they do. But I also know if I don’t learn to deal with these feelings and put them aside then I won’t be able to be a part of helping us grow as a society.

We’ll get there… it will take time… but I haven’t lost hope… and now we have the right role model in the drivers seat…

“YES WE CAN”!!!!

Ok folks… so its only 10:45 but a lot of news has come in…. Unfortunately Prop 8 is winning right now but its far from time to give up hope… and, more importantly, we’ve seen the more important bigger change which is the country has put the right person in charge of the country. Obama’s speech tonight brought me to tears (and i NEVER EVER cry). There clearly is hope for tomorrow in this country and we can move on to the next fight. So while we may be loosing an important battle, we’ve already won the war…. So however Prop 8 turns out (and i’m not going to stay up to sweat out the chruning polls) we just need to look at where we are and figure out what we do next. If we don’t win this one then we need to step up and keep pushing for the next day and help people understand..

I’ve never been so personally and emotionally tied to an election and, while I still see a lot of bigotry and hate in this country and this world its good to see signs that we’ve got things to hope for…

So what’s next people? lets make it happen!!!!!

No on Prop 8

October 24, 2008

Apple is publicly opposing Proposition 8 and making a donation of $100,000 to the No on 8 campaign. Apple was among the first California companies to offer equal rights and benefits to our employees’ same-sex partners, and we strongly believe that a person’s fundamental rights — including the right to marry — should not be affected by their sexual orientation. Apple views this as a civil rights issue, rather than just a political issue, and is therefore speaking out publicly against Proposition 8.