SwimFinsSF

End of an Era

I’d be AMAZED if anyone was still reading this blog but figured it was time to put a period on the end of this sentence.. I think its time to retire this blog.. It served a very important purpose in a period of my life as I was finishing college and beginning my coming out process and I love those memories.. that said it was of a time and that time has passed. I’m in a different place and the mixed history that is part of this blog and the screen name that started it is in my rear view mirror..

I’ll leave this site up for memories and who knows – I may come back here .. but for now this is all she wrote… If you’d like to check in on things with me you can check out Steinauer.US or DieWeiseeRose.com, or my instagram

Same Love

I keep re-listening to this song.. They lyrics are fantastic and the fact that its from a straight rapper is pretty amazing…

Same Love
by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
lyrics thanks to RapGenius

When I was in the 3rd grade
I thought that I was gay
Cause I could draw, my uncle was
And I kept my room straight
I told my mom, tears rushing down my face
She’s like, Ben you’ve loved girls since before pre-K
Tripping yeah
I guess she had a point, didn’t she
A bunch of stereotypes all in my head
I remember doing the math like
Yeah, I’m good at little league
A pre-conceived idea of what it all meant
For those that like the same sex had the characteristics
The right-wing conservatives think it’s a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made, rewiring of a pre-disposition
Playing God
Ahh nah, here we go
America the brave
Still fears what we don’t know
And ‘God loves all his children’ is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written
3,500 years ago
I don’t know

[Hook: Mary Lambert]
And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm [x4]

[Verse 2: Macklemore]
If I was gay
I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately
“Man that’s gay”
Gets dropped on the daily
We’ve become so numb to what we’re saying
Our culture founded from oppression
Yet we don’t have acceptance for ’em
Call each other faggots
Behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate
Yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It’s the same hate that’s caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color
Complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk-outs and sit-ins
Human rights for everybody
There is no difference
Live on! And be yourself!
When I was in church
They taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service
Those words aren’t anointed
And that Holy Water
That you soak in
Is then poisoned
When everyone else
Is more comfortable
Remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans
That have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same
But that’s not important
No freedom til we’re equal
Damn right I support it

[Trombone]
I don’t know

[Hook]

[Verse 3: Macklemore]
We press play
Don’t press pause
Progress, march on!
With a veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
‘Till the day
That my uncles can be united by law
Kids are walkin’ around the hallway
Plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful
Some would rather die
Than be who they are
And a certificate on paper
Isn’t gonna solve it all
But it’s a damn good place to start
No law’s gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever god you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it’s all the same love
About time that we raised up

[Hook]

[Outro: Mary Lambert]
Love is patient, love is kind
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient (not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind (not crying on Sundays)

Jean K. Mellang: 1919-2012

My grandma, Jean Mellang, passed away this last Sunday at age 92. This was what I wrote to say at her service today ( though I didn’t use notes so what I actually said was probably kinda different.

Grandma, I love you and will miss you very much.

It’s funny the things you remember….

I’ve got a long commute to work every day and I’ve spend the last few days thinking about grandma and beating myself up that I can’t come up with some poignant story or memory to talk about…

The only things I seem to come up with are a lot of little silly stuff..

I remember going to her house on hickory hills and her giving me a soda… Used to drive mom NUTS but I loved it..

I remember baking cookies…

I remember her slipping me those chalky mints from the club.

I remember her reading me the good Samaritan, Daniel and the lions den, and Joseph and the coat of many colors..

I remember that zipper pocket in her furry winter muff.

I remember her writing me letters full of strange clippings about apple and Steve jobs that she’d found in the paper.

I remember her asking how Kevin is doing.

I remember her asking me every time I called what I did at work, only to respond that she didn’t really understand what I was talking about but it sounded very interesting..

I remember her last letter to me in November where she described to me what she’d had for dinner and advising me to stick to one dog – two might be too many.. 🙂

I remember her telling me I was gods perfect loving reflection and that she loved me very much… She said that a lot over the years..

But as I thought about this stuff I came to realize that this WAS the important stuff..

The relationship between mother and daughter when it came to parenting styles ( manifested by a soda in my hand before I was out of the car ) must have driven them nuts but I came to realize had a very important side effect – it meant that is was always clear the I was cared for, safe, and loved no matter what… Despite everything that might have been happening around me at the time I was largely aware because I had both of them loving me in their own ways.

Those bible stories and words about perfection and gods love didn’t make much sense to me at the time but they seemed nice… But as I grew up and started question myself and the outside world started telling what was right and wrong it became very important… It meant that I really never questioned whether I was who I was meant to be. I exactly the person I was supposed to be and that was enough…

And, most importantly, those apple clippings about stuff I already knew, questions about work and Kevin, and advice about how many dogs to have? Its because of those I knew that she was thinking about me, interested in my life, and loved me…

So really it’s those little things that seem inconsequential at the time that add up to meaning so much..

And for those, and for her, I’ll always be grateful. And she’ll always be with me.

Tags: Family

Jean K. Mellang: 1919-2012

Tags: Family

Thanks Steve

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Apple Inc.

It Gets Better – from Apple Employees

Tags: gay, gltb, Lesbian, outreach, suicide